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“Violence Against Women”

My days are heavy like this chain

I wake up in the same day

I woke up in the blame day

Is it a nightmare? Pinch myself

Is it a real you? I tell myself

Is it only painful for myself?

 

Kids are playing

And I am crying

That big muscle hand hitting

Hitting me again

I don’t know where to release the pain

 

It seems will never end

It seems like holding me chain

It is continuing

It is ruining

 

I have tried whole life

I have give my life

But you fear about life

You decide not to face this life

 

The second day I wake up

It is you again, no bargain

Kids are crying

I am dying

But I’m not let go

Not let go of your violence song

 

I’ll make you understand

I cannot be “banned”

I cannot be treated like a chain

Chain, chain, chain, chain…

Stop over there!

This chain will never be longer

Because I’ll stand right here

Making my own song

Song of breaking this chain

 

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Narrative: Constructing my gender

“Whole me”

I was born in my body and my parents told me to follow my body. I never choose, I never imagine living in another body.  My mama always says that it is good to be what you are, and I’m standing here like “whoa, how beautiful I am”.

The more I grow the more I think what’s surrounding me, I see skinny bodies, white skins seems like a right definition of beautiful woman. I start to forget who was I, I start to throw who was I, I decided to not care about who was I. I tried all different kind of expensive make-up, I tried expensive treatments for my body and I tried to be somebody else, somebody who can sit with anyone.

It really hurts to be somebody else, but what can I do to make them love me? It seems like this whole body couldn’t be a perfect definition of word “pretty”. My belly shaking every day, every moment when I pretend. I pretend to be you, to be her, to be them and who the heck was I?

Every day is so exciting for me to hear what people say who adore my fake appearance, who adore my stupid lies. The more I pretend and the more I lie, the closer they’ll sit with me.

But this lie has been bigger than I imagine, it becomes really big like a balloon that starts to explode.

It is that time when finally when my balloon of fakeness start to explode, they know who the heck was I and they regret being close to me. Close with my fakeness. This disappointed feeling, they have to throw me back to center realization that I can’t be somebody else, that I can’t be she or her but just to be me.

I wanna knock the door of the real me and apologize for stupid me. I just wanna say to my body, “hey it’s me, I’m back from a long road of pretending”. I decided to love who I am and what really appears on my body. Running back to my Creator to apologize that I forget how precious was I.

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“Labels and Subversions”

Do you hear that?

That is sound of my high heels

What do you think I am?

I am a female

Am I materialistic?

But this world needs money

Am I a fake lover?

Come on tell me, honey

 

Watchful for everything on mind darl

I might seem as slow as that turtle

I might seem fussy like a baby

But you never see

When this hand can handle the storm

When this courage like a mad lion

 

I’m not being sassy

This just a truth where I live in

My conflict is my feeling

Not that physical thing

 

I’m not a attention seeker

I am more like a keeper

Who keeps the day going

When the night falling

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“Being A Girl”

I am who I am

No doubt in me

I’m proud sometimes loud

I love that I don’t take things lightly

 

Being a girl is incredible

I always come back stronger

When the storm push me deeper

I am a girl

who likes to be understood

Through the gentle words

And songs

 

I am a girl

My heart is as soft as cotton

I’m grateful like a rainbow

Which is glad it’s colorful

I am a girl

In my heart and out

And I will be

Forever

 

-Tessalonika

 

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Relationships :)

P_20171118_130229_1

Speaking of relationship, I have a really strong relationship with my parents and my music teacher in Green School. My parents have been an inspiration to me since I was 6 years old. I am very close with my parents because only with my parents I feel safe and loved. My parent knew since I was small that I really love to sing and I would sing every day at home without even bothered if my voice was good or bad. My parents always support my dream, even if my voice were sounding a bit crappy. I’m like 100% sure that my parents did notice that I had a crappy voice (well obviously, no one taught me how to sing and I never have singing experience) and also, I did know my voice was crappy. But my parents just pretended like my voice was good and they encouraged me to sing more.

Because of my parents’ encouragement, I feel more confident to sing publicly like at school and in front of a church. I started to join a church choir when I was 8 years old and from that moment, my life changed completely and I began to love singing even more. Every time I saw a microphone, my brain just couldn’t stop telling me that I should sing.  If my parents weren’t there and support me, I wouldn’t be who I am right now. I am always thankful for my parent’s existence in my life.

I remember one year ago when I get to Green School for the first time, I met a guitar teacher who is a friend of my father, quite tall and has a strong Australian accent, his name is Pak Paul. He’s also a very good guitar player, he could’ve been a famous guitar player for blues genre. I was actually super nervous to talk to him because he seems old and very serious. But my father was trying to introduce me to him and forced me to shake hands with him. Turns out, he’s a very kind and gave me a big smile. We started to get along quite nicely. Then he asked me if I would like to sing for him as he was very curious to listen to my voice. I wasn’t surprised, he knew that I can sing from my father. It was my first time to sing a song in English in front of the native speaker. I was very nervous and shaking. After I sang a song for him, he asked me to join him to perform in Green School Assembly. I can’t explain how happy I was.

Since then, my relationship with Pak Paul is much closer and he always encourages me to sing more. Every time there is an event in Green School, Pak Paul always calls me to join him to perform. For me, he is a true musician that inspires me every day how to live my dream. I can’t be confident enough to perform a song in English in front of the larger audience without him as my friend and teacher who always support my vocal with his awesome guitar playing. He helped me to realize that singing is my passion and the reason why I am here today. I also realize that he already opened a lot of connections and possibilities for me by asking me to perform in different events at Green School so that I feel more like I belong and feel more valued here in Green School.

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Unofficial and Unwritten rules in my life…

P_20171118_124820_1My parents seem very old school when it comes to dating. It doesn’t mean that they are not allowing me to have a boyfriend, but just they have their own way of guiding me in a right direction of what dating truly means. I will tell you more what I mean by “old school” but before all of that, let me introduce you to:

THE UNOFFICIAL AND UNWRITTEN
(I should follow these rules or my mom will get high blood pressure)
ULTIMATE MELANCHOLIST CHRISTIAN RULES OF DATING

  1. If someone has a crush on you, let him message you first.
  2. If someone asks you out, make sure that he already ask for permission from mom or dad.
  3. If you’re going out with a guy that is not part of your family, make sure you get back to home every 09:00 p.m. No more, no less.
  4. If you’re going to go out on the first date in more than 2 kilometers away from home, you should make sure that he has a car to drive you.
  5. If he takes you out for the first time, make sure that you’re going to hang out with him in a public place (e.g. McDonald’s in front of the highway)
  6. If you got back to home from the first date, you should sit and tell your family what you did with him the whole day.
  7. If you plan to go on the second date, make sure that you have another good reason to say to your parents why you should go for this.
  8. If you got the second date, make sure you go to public place to keep your dating clean and no shame shame.
  9. If you got to home from the second date, confess to your parents what you did on the second date and tell them you didn’t go to dim places (e.g cinema, nightclub, and soccer field at night)
  10. If you have been dating for more than two weeks, tell your parents what do his parents do for life.
  11. If you want him to be your boyfriend, make sure you bring him to your parents for shake hands.
  12. If your parents already meet with him, you have to tell the guy to bring your parent’s favorite food everytime he drives you back to home.
  13. If your parents smile when they get their favorite food, it means that they give you green sign (if you want to build relationship with the guy, you can go for it)

These rules are applicable for my parent’s generation to my generation, especially girls. My whole family has been sticking to these rules for decades, I would say. I think these rules are just like gene, it passes from generation to generation and it attached to all of us as a family throughout our lives. As a teenager, at first, I thought that these rules pretty old school and strict sometimes sounds like a joke, not applicable during my era. But as I went through these rules, I begin to understand that my parents want me to apply Indonesian culture, core values, and religious norms in my dating life.

This video music represents my dating life so much! not this cute but close to it… 😛 😛

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What Will Happen If I am a Jazz Singer?!

P_20171118_125512_1_1My whole life I’ve been dreaming of being a jazz singer that sings in the middle of an orchestra with my heavy voice satisfying people’s ears. Well, if someone paid attention to my dream, I would’ve been the best 2017 jazz singer in Bali. I mean like, I know that there are a lot of Indonesian jazz singers that perform more often than me, that lives earlier than me, that looks cuter than me but as long as I have a freedom to dream, let’s hit it!

If I am a jazz singer, I’d wear those pricey sneakers, converse, you could say. Then, I’ll buy legging jeans from a traditional market that is stretchable, less than 60k rupiah so I could move beautifully on the stage like a superstar. Stretchable legging jeans are unbelievable, they are like a lifesaver whenever your body is getting bigger but you can’t afford new pants. Umm, that’s what my mother said. I am not fancy at all, not fashionable either. I’m like totally just a low profile jazz singer with a good financial strategy. Aha.

My addiction to jazz music is never going to end. Whenever jazz hits me, it always sounds tasty. I don’t know exactly how many times a day I sing jazz songs, but I do it until my parents are sick of me.I can’t remember how often I have daydreamed about being a jazz singer that uses a lot improvisation with my voice, wears a casual outfit, who stands on a Java Jazz stage. Yep, so many things happening right there. And just one thing, I wish I could pursue my dream and study Jazz in university. Once I’m educated and get my own mah-nee(money), I really want to build my own recording studio and to be a facilitator to all the jazz musicians that want to record their music. Oh, I really wish.

I would’ve been like her!!!